Based on the prompt: “Your character is defending himself or herself from accusations.”
It had finally happened. He had earned a seat at the table. The Company of Crime, the biggest supervillain organization in the world, had invited The Clamp into their ranks. All those years of breaking the law and battling heroes had paid off! Now, with proper networking, he was headed for the big time! He had dry-cleaned and pressed his cyber-super suit especially for this occasion, even polishing the clamps at his belt.
Clamp entered the CoC’s secret hideout – a forty-story-tall combination castle/mad laboratory in the middle of downtown – and approached the meeting hall. He stood in awe for a moment at the huge table and all the famous supervillains populating it – people he had read about in the newspapers, looked up to as he began his career, and now would finally get to meet. A chance to network with Atomic Brain or The Disembowler or perhaps even Xavier Thanatos himself! The Clamp found his assigned seat, labeled with his name, but he frowned when he looked at the sign.
“My name’s not ‘Glamp,’” he said. “They misspelled it!”
“Hush,” another villain shushed him. “Sit down!”
Clamp shook his head and sat down with the other candidates, staring at the misspelled name. “Come on, guys. ‘Clamp.’ You know, like you clamp something. You can’t ‘glamp’ anything.”
“Shush!”
“Okay, okay.”
A hush fell over the crowd of supervillains as Xavier Thanatos, famed mad scientist, founder of Thanatech Corp., and former President of the United States stood, lifting a glass of (evil) wine.
“Ladies, gentlemen, and astro-zombies, I declare this meeting of the Company of Crime in session! Today we have the solemn responsibility of voting to affirm three new candidates for membership. After this vote, they may join us as the elites of evil, the veritas of villainy, the champions of crime! A round of applause, please. Stop! That’s enough. You’re supposed to clap for me. Without further ado, let’s get to know our new candidates. Sir, if you would please introduce yourself.”
Clamp began to stand before he realized that Thanatos was talking to one of the other villain candidates. A man so heavily-muscled that he seemed to be carved from stone stood, the red light of his glowing eyes glinting off the Buddhist prayer beads around his neck.
“I am Aku-Ryuji, the Mountain Breaker. The Dark Chi I have harnessed fills my heart with Killing Intent and the Power of the Void. Ten thousand warriors have fallen against my fists, and soon I shall bring down the heavens itself!”
“Very good, very good. You’ll be a fine addition to our Legion. And you, sir?”
An extremely skinny man wearing blood-red clown makeup stood to his feet, cackling as he spoke.
“My name is Funnyman,” he giggled. “I shoot people and then laugh at them as they die.”
Xavier Thanatos chuckled. “That’s hilarious!” he clapped as he laughed. “You’re perfect! These are amazing candidates. Amazing. I have high hopes for our third – Mr. Glamper, would you introduce yourself?”
“It’s Clamp,” Clamp insisted. “I’m The Clamp.”
“Well, it says here that your name is ‘The Glamp,” Xavier stated.
He jingled the clamps on his belt. “No, it’s Clamp. Because I clamp things.”
Thanatos frowned. “Then why would you call yourself Glamp? That’s very strange. Anyway, who are you and what have you accomplished?”
“I’ve been terrorizing Central City for the last decade,” Clamp said. “With the help of my clamps!”
“Clamps? Like scissor crab claws? We already have a robot who uses those.”
“No, no, like this!” Clamp unhooked one of his tools. “This is a C-Clamp. You put it around their head and then start screwing it in to increase pressure. It’s a really useful torture device.”
He became aware of the sudden silence filling the meeting hall.
“What?” he asked.
“That’s disgusting!” another villain stood up. “It’s needlessly cruel! What kind of degenerate monster are you?”
Clamp glared at him. “Dude, you’re The Disemboweler. You literally disembowel people.”
“Yeah, so? It’s just slash, guts come out, bleugh, dead. I don’t squeeze them like an orange!”
“You are an evil, violent monster!” Electroexecutioner said, shaking his signature burnt severed heads.
“Hey! Hey! They’re not just for torture,” Clamp stammered. “I used my clamps to break into First Central City Bank just last week, and–”
“You robbed a bank?” Penny Pincher asked. “That’ll raise interest rates on those poor customers! You’re despicable.”
“Banks don’t work that way!”
“Even I, Count Dracustein, who was created by a mad scientist stitching together the bodies of famous vampires, think that this is wrong!”
“That’s not how any of this works!”
“Mr. Glamp, don’t be so rude,” Thanatos said. “We’re supervillains, not jerks.”
“I’ve done other stuff, too,” Clamp said. “One time I kidnapped the President’s son and held him for ransom!”
“What?” Pied Piper shouted. “He’s a child! Children are off-limits!”
“That’s horrendously unamerican,” Sir Reginald Buckingham, The Black Knight, stated. “We’re patriots here. I don’t think you’ll fit in very well in the CoC.”
“He has a point,” Xavier Thanatos said with a shake of his head. “I’m afraid that you aren’t right for our organization.”
“I’m ‘not right for your organization?’ Are you kidding me? I’ve been doing this for ten years! I fight Vortex almost every week!”
“So it’s your fault that he’s late for our hero-villain dates?” Felicia Razaria asked as she purred. “I hate you already.”
“Mr. Glamp, I’m afraid you have to leave,” Thanatos stated. “You aren’t a good fit here.”
“You are too violent,” The Mountain Breaker said with a shake of his head.
“Yeah, man, you need to learn some restraint,” Funnyman agreed.
Clamp tensed, squeezing the C-Clamp in his hand until his knuckles turned white. “Fine! Fine. Whatever. I don’t need any of you! I’ll start my own evil organization! And then you’ll be sorry!”
Xavier Thanatos scowled. “That’s copyright infringement! You’ll never get away with this! Unleash the lawyers!”
Turns out the old saying was true: Never meet your villains.